My Dearest Spirit...A story of love and loss

July 18, 2016  •  Leave a Comment

My Dearest Spirit..
I want to go back
I want to run back as fast as I can to you and say I changed my mind
I want to go back to the days before... and show you how much I love you
You came into my life when my heart was so broken- to take away my pain
The unbearable void I felt in my heart .. the silent house... I couldn't take one more day
So I found you.
You were a fat little butter ball of a puppy. All the other pups were clinging to their momma.
But not you.. you followed us around the yard and when I looked in those big brown eyes I thought -YOU.
You will take away the pain that cut me like a razor . A new dog to love..
And my sweet Spirit you absolutley filled my heart with love.
Such a short time we had together I guess we never really know when the last time will be.
The last time you come nuzzle my arm to be pet.
The last time you put your paw on my lap .
The last time I would throw your favorite ball.. you know the one.
It always had to be the same.. you were so smart you knew if I tried to change it .
The last time you would come sit you 80 pound body on my lap because you truely believed you were still a little puppy.
The last time you ran beside me barking at the lawn mower so intent on protecting the universe from that beast.
The last time we snuggle together on the couch on the nights I couldn't sleep.
The last time we shared a nibble of steak.. or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my sleepless nights with you.
The last time you chase me around the yard trying to drink from the watering hose.
I am sorry for all the times I was upset with you for being " a pain in my butt"
I am sorry I couldn't make your fear of this world go away.. that maybe your life could have been better in some way.
I am sorry that I was upset with you at times .. for protecting me.. from everything and everyone even when no protection was needed. I know to you -WE were the most important thing in this world. And it was your job to keep us safe.. you were only doing what you thought you should.. you were only loving us.
We were your only world. And as sheltered of a world that had to be for your protection ... I hope with all my heart you were happy here.
I am sorry you never got to play in the special place I fenced in for you.. in hopes of you finding peace .. fun days without the anxiety of needing to protect us from every person that passed our way. I wanted you to have a special place all your own. I can't believe I just finished it yesterday.. and now you are gone.
I am sorry for all the things I said that were not 100 percent love.. because my sweet Spirit I love you so much.
Thank you for bringing me joy when my heart was shattered to a million pieces.
Thank you for protecting our family .
Thank you for the few years we had.
I sit outside in our special place.. right next to my the garden I built in memory of my first.
The paws you tried to fill everyday of your life.
I am numb.. that same feeling times two.. that void.. that hole.. that awful .. god awful ache in my heart.
I want it to go away.. I want to cry.. I want to ask God why the price of love is so great.
My Sweet Spirit fly with the angels my love and do not be afraid any longer.
The hardest thing to do in this world is to take away pain from another.. to end suffering .. to say goodbye.
Because you always have that little voice telling you maybe .. just maybe there could have been one more day ... maybe surgury will save you.. but at what price. What might your quality of life been? More future pain.. suffering all over again.. more fearful days.. Answers I will never know.
I feel like I failed you. My sweet boy it rips my heart to pieces.
We all come to this cross roads . I just never dreamed it would be this soon..I wasen't prepared..
We think we will be ready.. we will have one last day together.. share one last PB &J
But when it happens .. it happens fast.. choices have to be made in  a blink of an eye
I  chose to end your pain.. and I am so sorry for the suffering you endured waiting for me to let you go.
It is said that all our fear and pain melts away when we die. You don't have to be afraid anymore for us. We will be ok.
Wait for me at the rainbow bridge with my Timber by your side .. and I will see you again my sweet Spirit.
And know that even though you could never replace my sweet Timber that you made a new place in my heart.. And for that I am greatful .. so very greatful for every single moment and I am so sorry if I didn't cherish each one enough. I hope you are at peace knowing that your family loved you so very much. I will miss you my friend.. God I will miss you!
Love mom


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